July 22, 2017

On fear and hope [part 1]

I wrote this when I came to visit Seattle in April. I knew I was planning on moving here this summer but didn’t have anything really figured out yet. It’s absolutely amazing to read this now and see how faithful God has been. So here is part one, when everything was a question. Part two, “God’s Timing”, is coming soon!

April 29th, 2017

[I took this the day I wrote this, and it holds so many emotions for me now, knowing all that was running through my mind. Also, I lost that jacket in England, so shoutout to whoever has that now! It's a winner! haha]

Sitting in a coffee shop in Ballard, Seattle. dreaming of what life will be like up here and wondering if I’m on the right track or if I’m making a terrible error, I know deep down that one is fear and one is faith. It’s been an interesting journey that’s brought me here. It hasn’t been a job, it hasn’t been a person, it’s just been a feeling, a pull, a nudge, or more dramatically like playing tug-of-war and losing and you’re just anticipating being on the other side. But it hasn’t been easy, and the closer it is getting the more terrifying it becomes. I have an amazing support system in Southern California. Incredible family, wonderful friends, amazing church and roommates, AND living so close to Disneyland ;) I was struggling with feeling like maybe I had it all wrong, why would God want me to leave the wonderful community I’m surrounded with at home? How could I be used better somewhere else? And then I remembered this kind of harsh passage in Luke 14 that came to mind and has actually ended up being really comforting…

“Many people were traveling with Jesus. He said to them, “If you come to me but will not leave your family, you cannot be my follower. You must love me more than your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters—even more than your own life! Whoever will not carry the cross that is given to them when they follow me cannot be my follower.”” - Luke 14:25-27

I think most of the time I’m really not loving Jesus more than my family or more than my friends. It’s not really an easy or natural thing to do when you’re in close proximity to them and always have been. They are my foundation in a beautiful way, but also that’s not really what God has called us to. I think God puts us in hard and uncomfortable situations so that we have to lean on him because nothing else makes sense, and for everyone that comes in different ways. And it’s different things in different seasons that we go through to remind us that we need Him, that if we knew it all and if it all made sense then we wouldn’t be relying on Him. 

And for me, in this season, it means leaving a location that has become so comfortable in so many ways, that I’ve been fine doing things on my own and not really needing a whole lot of help from God. To be honest He’s been my buddy, not my foundation. 

I’ve been living in fear about a lot of this and have been moving forward but with a lack of hope. Not wanting to get my hopes up about finding a great job, a great place to live, a great community, because if it doesn’t work out then that’s really disappointing. It’s easy to put on a smile and say “I’m so excited” about something, but deep down feel hopeless about it. Not only is that totally wrong, but I should not only being looking towards all of this with hope, but with EXPECTATION that God is going to show up in bigger and better ways than I could even imagine. I don’t know what that will look like, how that will unfold, and it may look different than what I’m currently hoping for, but God wants beautiful things for us, and it’s so important to follow Him with an expectation of beautiful moments and opportunities that He has already prepared for us. 

So it’s definitely terrifying in a lot of ways to be really planning to move up here based on a feeling, but it’s also really right. 

It has also been amazing to me how hearing a “but” or “maybe” at any point can change an attitude of positivity to doubt. God has revealed to me in so many ways that I should be taking this step, this leap of faith, and hearing that one job might not be right or one area didn’t have this one thing I had thought, makes me question everything. Just because God is calling me here and because I'm going to take this leap of faith, doesn’t mean it’s going to be the easiest or fastest route I could take to the firm foundation in him like I would like to imagine it would be. But the more I HAVE to lean on him, the more I will. And so I choose to move forward in faith and with hope. Expecting to see Him, and that is all that He has really called me to do. 

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